While this is not an update I wanted to post about, I think it is extremely necessary. DISCLAIMER: If you are not okay with the functions of the female body/reproductive system, mentions of miscarriage, or talks of blood, pain, or birth, STOP READING.
On March 8, 2025 I was feeling ridiculously nauseous and decided to take a pregnancy test. POSITIVE! I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I could, but I was shocked because Sam and I were kind of planning for when Remi turned one to start trying for the next baby. Well, here we are, 4 months ahead of schedule, pregnant with the 3rd baby!
I scheduled a doctor’s appointment and we told our families over the course of the next few days. I had our appointment and was told “You’re too early and since you’re breastfeeding and haven’t had a menstrual cycle we can’t give you a due date.” I was scheduled to go back April 10th for an ultrasound. So we waited.
The last week of March we went to Tennessee for spring break. That’s when I noticed it. I started spotting. Spotting is very normal in early pregnancy and lots of women experience it. While it is normal, it is something I haven’t experienced and I was terrified so I called my doctors. They weren’t concerned but I felt something was wrong. I tried to ignore it but it slowly began to get worse through the week. I scheduled an appointment for the following Monday.
My mom went with me and we saw baby & saw their heartbeat. I had a moment of relief. The baby was real and there and had a heart beat. What more could you need to confirm your little one was safe?
Then, it happened. Wednesday April 2nd I went to my in law’s house for our Wednesday dinner and noticed I was bleeding heavier than normal. They ask you how many pads you’re going through/saturating per hour. I didn’t know at that point. I was also experiencing cramping which is another symptom to look out for as you are spotting while pregnant. I didn’t want to spend hours in the ER but I called my mom and told her I thought I needed to go.
We got to the hospital, got checked in, got vitals taken, and were told to go sit in the waiting room while they waited for a bed to open up. Guess what? Not a single bed was opened the entire time I was there. So, I was contracting, crying, moaning, gripping the chair arm until my knuckles were white, and going to the bathroom in the lobby bathroom. I begged my parents to tell the nurses my pain was worse or whatever they needed to to get me out of the lobby. The only thing they did was take my vitals again.
I had a moment, 2 hours after arriving at the hospital (which boasted online that the wait was 0-15 minutes to be seen), where I was in so much pain I just needed to go to the bathroom and be alone. My mom, thank God, joined me. I didn’t care who heard me going through this. I was grabbing the handrails, hunched over in pain, sobbing. Then, the pain stopped. I had passed our baby in the emergency room lobby bathroom.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are truly sick people and people who need medical help in the ER and that’s why beds are taken. However, I feel like these nurses could have escorted me to the bathroom behind their sliding door to have done with with some dignity left. They gave my sister pads, wipes, and a depends which was nice but I was leaving a part of my dignity in that bathroom.
I went in for an ultrasound Thursday morning and it was confirmed. I had lost this pregnancy.
To the moms who have gone through miscarriages, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! There are genetic abnormalities that make it impossible for your embryo/baby/fetus to continue growing as a healthy pregnancy and your body knows to stop the pregnancy.
Sam and I want more kids. We will always want more kids. It’s sad that this is how this pregnancy had to progress and abruptly end and it’s sad that I couldn’t have had another option to be able to do it privately. I am okay. I am not just saying that to keep people off my case. I am truly okay. I am cursing God a bit, asking “why me?” but I am okay. I am mostly mad at the situation in the ER. I get through things with a little bit of morbid humor so I joked with my sister today that when I have the next baby I am going to do it without an epidural out of spite and to take back the power I have over my body because I felt so out of control while miscarrying.
To baby #3 who I never met earthside,
You were so loved and were so wanted. Every single one of our family members was so excited to meet you and cuddle you. I’m glad that you never knew a life of discomfort or had a moment of hunger (and that you got to have a taste of Dr. Pepper). I hope you are being loved on by Mamaw, Grandma Joyce, Grandpa John, and all the other family members that have passed.
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Sophia, and Remington